A Long Lens is Useless Unless You're Looking
Born in the Philippines, I was left by a 15 year old mother at a hospital in Manilla for reasons that are still unknown to me. There are so many potential variables that could be the reason as to why felt it was best to leave me and allow me alone in this world.
Now that I am older, I often wonder about taking the steps towards seeking out my birth mother to fill some of the emptiness in my heart that I've been carrying around with me for the past 38 years. I often catch myself day dreaming about meeting her and bombarding her with questions about why this and why that. I want to ask about my biological family's health so that I can be better informed and prepared on what to expect in the years to come. I want to know if I am the product of sexual abuse. I want to know if I have any biological brothers or sisters. I want to know that she is secure in her decision to allow me to go forth in this world.
I also want to know that she is okay.
I want to let her know that I am okay with her decision of leaving me years ago.
Being left high and dry leaves a countless potential for my mind to wander. Sometimes it has wandered into hatred, but then I realize that I cannot hate someone that I do not know. Sometimes it wanders into confusion yearning for answers to my questions. Sometimes it leads me to dark places that I feel she can only shed light on. Sometimes it even leads me to wonderful places wanting to believe that she left me so that I could go on to do bigger and better things.
Regardless of where my mind and heart find themselves in the moment, I try not to allow my wishful thinking get the best of me. I can safely say that often times that positive thinking and optimism get me through the day, but I am a realist, and I know that with so many unknowns that life continues on.
Now that I am an avid photographer, I have learned that often times I fill the voids in my life by being behind the lens. It allows me time to find happiness in unhappy situations. It allows me to create and inspire others. It gives me the power to allow my mind and heart to run free through the composition on the back of my camera. It teaches me to stay focused; not only on the task at hand, but in other areas of my life. At times, it brings happiness, but it still doesn't fill the empty spots. One of these days, I hope to have the means and the resources to find answers that will actually fill these voids with answers, whether good or bad.
I have learned that no matter how long the lens, it means absolutely nothing unless I'm looking. Meaning: the only way that I will find what I am seeking in my compositions and in life, is to best use the tools and resources available to me. Filling the voids in life takes effort. It takes time. It takes patience. The answers to the questions I have regarding my biological mother will never be answered until I take the first step towards looking for them.